when i started this blog and closed my previous ones. it was a commemoration of a new chapter of my life. i was just getting married to someone i love and cherish and was looking forward to enjoying the rest of my life with him. i was filled with so much hope, optimism, enthusiasm about a future which then was to be no less then perfect.
i forgot something i learnt from David Davidar's 'House of Blue Mangoes':
" As she bent to light the fire she gave thanks for her perfect day. Even the shadow cast by Aaron had its place in it: too much happiness wasn't good for you; it was bound to be followed by great sorrow, as the world tried to keep the balance"
i was too happy. happy that i was in love and married. i was ecstatic that we got pregnant so quickly too. but the world needed to keep the balance.
first, my husband and i lost his grandmother who he was unbelievably attached to. it was painful, waking up to his gentle sobs. then, we lost the baby. the experience, the loss shattered me. i remember sobbing in my husband's arms trying to understand how, i could love someone/something so much, only after a mere seven weeks.
it's been exactly a week since i had the surgery to evacuate my uterus, and tomorrow i go back to work. i must confess, it still hurts. there's this little ache when i think of what could have been. i want to jump back on the bandwagon as fast as i can and try to get pregnant again, but my husband isn't sure. he said, he couldn't see me devastated again.
amongst all the pain, i've found joy in the arms of my husband. my family and his. my friends and colleagues. i cried for 2 days straight. tearing continuously. but at some point, the almighty blessed me with the realisation that my husband and i didn't harbour our pain and anguish alone. We were blessed with an army of devoted souls who were ready to hold our hearts in their palms and help us heal.
my optimism and enthusiasm about the perfect future and days to come have not diminished completely, only slightly muted.
thank you for the love. i'll cherish it forever.
Labels: eveel ramblings