The truth of the matter is...i AM overwhelmed by this motherhood experience. I find it really very very difficult and challenging. And sometimes no...often...very often,,,many many times during the day, I wonder if god was thinking straight when he decided to bless me with twins.
Oh I have so many complaints about being a mother....there is surely no need to list them all but it includes being exhausted, sleep deprived, not having time to myself.
It really is tough for me to decide to go off for time alone, as it means my mum and the helper would have extra work on their hands. I do occasionally go out with 1 bub, leaving my mom with the other, but it really isn't the time off I desperately need. Sometimes I walk by shops and wish i could try on some cute outfits, but what would I do with the bub in the sling? Or even if he was in a pram? Would he cry while I was changing? Too much stress really. So i find myself mostly at home. Yesterday in a moment of desperation, I asked my mum if I could drive dad to work (a mere 10 min drive from home), just so I could just ...sigh, see the world, babyless. It felt sooooo good to just drive and hum along to the tunes on the radio.
I feel guilty when I think (blog) like this. I do feel awesomely blessed with twins, and I feel I shouldn't complain. But I think I'd burst if I didn't...complain that is.
I also feel terribly jealous of mum's with 1 baby. I'm sure I'd be so much more rested with just 1 baby, especially with the twins deciding to tag team each other these days. One is asleep while the other is cranky and need my constant soothing. Once i get one soothed and asleep, the other one awakes and decides "Hey, the other twin got all that attention huh? Now it's my turn....WAAAAAHHHH". I bathe one, and realise I have another to bathe. I feed one, and hey, there's another little mouth to feed. And the list goes on.
I'm also so jealous of the attention a mother of 1 baby can provide her baby. I always feel so stretched. With the twins doing tag-teaming, I do enjoy the time I have with 1 baby, playing and singing songs. But by the time the twin is asleep, and the other is awake. I find that I have less energy and just want to lie down and watch tv or something. Then I feel guilty that I don't provide enough stimulation for the other twin. *sniff*
Or if i'm soothing 1 and the other cries, and my mom or our helper has to soothe the other twin. I then feel horribly sad that I'm not enough a mother for both my babies. So once I soothe the one, I'd always take the other to soothe. Which is good, cos they know I'm always there for them, but bad cos I end up being ridiculously exhausted, and never getting a baby break.
I really should stop complaining. Motherhood is difficult regardless of 1 baby or 2 babies. And then there are mothers with a toddler and a newborn. Who am I kidding? I probably got it easy, with my mom and the helper helping me with the laundry, etc.
I should count my blessings instead....i know. I just sometimes forget in the midst of it all.