Tips for Successful Dating

This post was inspired by my colleague who was genuinely startled when I told her that during my year off work (2004-2005), I travelled, did my Masters and just did a lot of dating. She was especially surprised about the fact that I 'did a lot of dating'.

She asked me, 'How did you meet the men you dated?'

It was my turn to be taken a back. What did she mean? So I replied, 'I dunno. Guys I met through work or  through non-work activities?'

I then went on to explain that I never waited for a guy to ask me out. If he was a new guy I'd met and I didn't think he was repulsive, I'd ask him out for coffee or something. So we talked about it, and I spoke to other friends about it, and I've come to a conclusion that my attitude towards dating was unique.

Yar, was. cos my dating days are over. lol.

One colleague actually suggested I write a book about dating. I don't have time to do that, so I thought I'd blog about it instead.

Ok MY tips for successful dating.

Tip #1: Heart-break is not a permanent condition.

I learnt this the way you're supposed to learn it. Someone I loved broke my heart. He did, he did. I was so heartbroken I lost the will to eat and lost tons of weight (which was fabulous!) I cried, I was miserable for a few months, and then slowly I realised that i was ok lor. And guess what? The realisation that there were so many more men out there I could now start dating just creeped out on me and took me by surprise. So yeah, hearts break but hearts are very good at mending themselves too! So since then, I've never looked back.

In fact, there was 1 guy I dated who I was convinced dumped me. It wasn't as if I asked him to marry me, I just said, 'Do you like me enough that we should commit to dating each other exclusively?' Must have freaked him out, cos I knew he was dating noone else, but he said something about his career being more important. And i recall saying, 'ok lah, we keep it exploratory and keep dating.' But we kinda didn't date much after that, and so I moved on. Fairly quickly I think.

Then 1 year later, when he found out I was dating someone else he confronted me, saying he was shocked that I had moved on so quickly. Apparently he had some strange notion that I'd hang around to wait for him to be ready to commit. I was like...what? Salah. This is not Suria channel Malay drama k?


Tip #2: It's just a date!


Never wait till you're totally invested in a guy that you think you could be in love or totally in like before asking him out on a date or accepting his invitation to go on a date.

The thing with asking a guy out when you've just met or accepting an invitation to go out with someone you've just met when you've barely formed an impression besides- oh i think he's cute- is that if the date sucks, then it sucks and you move on. It's not like he's gonna break your heart lah. And if there's no romantic connection, the you've just widened your social network right? That can't be bad.

You never know, so why cheat yourself of the opportunity to discover new things!


Tip #3: Nobody's wrong if it's not meant to be

The wonderful thing is that life has a plan for us. I absolutely believe that my heart got broken along the way for a reason. So that I'd learn what sort of guy is for me and what sort of guy is just not for me. And life just wouldn't be exciting without some drama right?


Tip #4: Don't believe dating guru tips, etc.

Yar, this is all hogwash. There's no such thing as successful dating really.

I personally think that if you're out there dating because you want to find a man to make your life complete, you're going to find it awfully hard.

First, it's not going to take a MAN  to make your life complete. You can have a complete and fulfilling life without a man. In fact, most of the time they're a pain in the a#$!

Second, why take the fun out of dating by putting so much pressure on yourself. Imagine, there's a whole world full of billions of people who can potentially enrich your life and your experiences. All it takes is ONE conversation. That's terribly exciting!

Especially when I travel, the thought always comes back to me. For all the men in this world, from London to Columbia to Bhutan to Shanghai, how is it that I end up with the Mat who lived across the road from my Tampines flat when I was in primary school?

I guess it was just meant to be...

Did i date successfully?...no lah... you just have fun getting to know different people and stumble through life, and when you're meant to..you'll meet that someone who you think- Yar- this one, I can marry!

Labels:

Pretty Eveel Adventures: Tips for Successful Dating

Monday, April 2, 2012

Tips for Successful Dating

This post was inspired by my colleague who was genuinely startled when I told her that during my year off work (2004-2005), I travelled, did my Masters and just did a lot of dating. She was especially surprised about the fact that I 'did a lot of dating'.

She asked me, 'How did you meet the men you dated?'

It was my turn to be taken a back. What did she mean? So I replied, 'I dunno. Guys I met through work or  through non-work activities?'

I then went on to explain that I never waited for a guy to ask me out. If he was a new guy I'd met and I didn't think he was repulsive, I'd ask him out for coffee or something. So we talked about it, and I spoke to other friends about it, and I've come to a conclusion that my attitude towards dating was unique.

Yar, was. cos my dating days are over. lol.

One colleague actually suggested I write a book about dating. I don't have time to do that, so I thought I'd blog about it instead.

Ok MY tips for successful dating.

Tip #1: Heart-break is not a permanent condition.

I learnt this the way you're supposed to learn it. Someone I loved broke my heart. He did, he did. I was so heartbroken I lost the will to eat and lost tons of weight (which was fabulous!) I cried, I was miserable for a few months, and then slowly I realised that i was ok lor. And guess what? The realisation that there were so many more men out there I could now start dating just creeped out on me and took me by surprise. So yeah, hearts break but hearts are very good at mending themselves too! So since then, I've never looked back.

In fact, there was 1 guy I dated who I was convinced dumped me. It wasn't as if I asked him to marry me, I just said, 'Do you like me enough that we should commit to dating each other exclusively?' Must have freaked him out, cos I knew he was dating noone else, but he said something about his career being more important. And i recall saying, 'ok lah, we keep it exploratory and keep dating.' But we kinda didn't date much after that, and so I moved on. Fairly quickly I think.

Then 1 year later, when he found out I was dating someone else he confronted me, saying he was shocked that I had moved on so quickly. Apparently he had some strange notion that I'd hang around to wait for him to be ready to commit. I was like...what? Salah. This is not Suria channel Malay drama k?


Tip #2: It's just a date!


Never wait till you're totally invested in a guy that you think you could be in love or totally in like before asking him out on a date or accepting his invitation to go on a date.

The thing with asking a guy out when you've just met or accepting an invitation to go out with someone you've just met when you've barely formed an impression besides- oh i think he's cute- is that if the date sucks, then it sucks and you move on. It's not like he's gonna break your heart lah. And if there's no romantic connection, the you've just widened your social network right? That can't be bad.

You never know, so why cheat yourself of the opportunity to discover new things!


Tip #3: Nobody's wrong if it's not meant to be

The wonderful thing is that life has a plan for us. I absolutely believe that my heart got broken along the way for a reason. So that I'd learn what sort of guy is for me and what sort of guy is just not for me. And life just wouldn't be exciting without some drama right?


Tip #4: Don't believe dating guru tips, etc.

Yar, this is all hogwash. There's no such thing as successful dating really.

I personally think that if you're out there dating because you want to find a man to make your life complete, you're going to find it awfully hard.

First, it's not going to take a MAN  to make your life complete. You can have a complete and fulfilling life without a man. In fact, most of the time they're a pain in the a#$!

Second, why take the fun out of dating by putting so much pressure on yourself. Imagine, there's a whole world full of billions of people who can potentially enrich your life and your experiences. All it takes is ONE conversation. That's terribly exciting!

Especially when I travel, the thought always comes back to me. For all the men in this world, from London to Columbia to Bhutan to Shanghai, how is it that I end up with the Mat who lived across the road from my Tampines flat when I was in primary school?

I guess it was just meant to be...

Did i date successfully?...no lah... you just have fun getting to know different people and stumble through life, and when you're meant to..you'll meet that someone who you think- Yar- this one, I can marry!

Labels:

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aww I love this!! Well said, Iva. This in particular, is good advice--"Never wait till you're totally invested in a guy that you think you could be in love or totally in like before asking him out on a date or accepting his invitation to go on a date."

So many girls think every date they go out with has 'ever after' potential. So as you say, the pressure is on. I think thinking about dating as a compiling of learning and growing experiences is a fantastic approach to have. How does one know what they don't like if they're only holding out for what they think they like ALL the time? Bad dating experiences can be very informative.

I also have given the advice to others that one does not have to be partnered to feel complete, but sometimes, I think I'm being hypocritical about that. To be frank I think we WANT to think we're operating that way and only a lucky, well-adjusted few of us actually manage to feel happy and whole without a partner. There's a lot riding on it, yanno? Biological imperative. Cultural and familial expectations? Not being able to (easily) have your own place without a partner. It's not just the companionship one craves, it's also lifestyle factors that make partnering an important end goal.

Son

April 3, 2012 at 7:31 AM  
Blogger eveeleva said...

Hey you,

Sure, i think we've been socially and culturally conditioned to feel that we need companionship. But I think that the romantic notion that a man or woman can complete us, I feel is just unrealistic. Most married people I think would agree that marriage is not easy and certainly, it takes a lot of effort to keep a marriage going, and some times you can even get to the point of feeling that your spouse and partner takes more away from your sense of self than they add to your sense of 'completion'. That said, I'm not saying that all marriages are doomed and that people can't have happy marraiges. If I thought so, I wouldn't be married.

But I'd like to believe that I'm realistic, in the sense that, for some reason or the other I'm meant to be with this person at this point in time. And I won't cheat myself of the opportunity of happiness by not working 100% at making this companionship and marriage last. But if, for whatever reason, this was really not meant to be, then my heart may break- yes, but it'll heal and I'll get on with life. A break up will not mean that my self as a whole is compromised.

I suppose my attitude towards marriage is the same as my attitude about dating.

Why set yourself up for unreasonable expectations? My marriage is not going to be a romantic fairytale notion of happy ever after...it's going to be more like a real hollywood middle-aged crises family drama, with lots of challenges, ups and certainly downs. And if we're lucky, we'll hopefully have a bit more ups and downs, and still feel like we want to be with each other. But deliriously and insanely and unrealistically happy forever? Maybe for a fragment, small fragment of people- that can be true. But for most of us? I really don't think so.

Same with dating right? For some small percentage of ppl out there, they do meet their spouses straight out of highschool and they were so meant to be together forever types. And great if you're them. But for those of us who haven't found the love of our lives at 16? It's not the end.

That said, I do admit that my philosophy is also driven by my own extroverted personality. I love meeting new people and you know- I've always had that KPI when travelling- each trip's (pre marriage) success was partially determined by whether or not a guy asked me for my number or tried to pick me up. I wasn't being slutty (at least that wasn't how I hoped I came off!), it was just a harmless way of having fun. And even then, with all the unconcious AND concious flirting I've done in all my travels, I still ended up with the Mat who lived across the road from our Tampines flat.

Lol.

April 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Deliriously and insanely and unrealistically happy forever"?? Does that even exist?

I love your KPI when travelling. Hilarious!

Dawn

April 4, 2012 at 10:17 AM  

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