I have a ton of post ideas...akin to an editorial plan...but the 'plan' will have to wait. This post is about the now.
I had a mommy meltdown. I'll admit it. It's not easy to do so- admit it that is. But I will. Cos I'll be stupid and selfish to pretend that everything is ok.
I've been sleep-deprived since our trip to Krabi (sigh, many posts on that trip still to come..when i finally find the time). The boys had fallen ill and also started teething again, and their sleep schedule had become all messed up. They've also learnt how to scream. Like really scream! Like Jennifer Love Hewitt in the movie Scream, screamed. Err...no...that was the other chick...she (Jennifer) screamed in 'I knew what you did last summer'. Well you get the point!
And a lot of this screaming happens in the middle of the night. And i'm new to this HDB etiquette thing. Am i allowed to let my child scream all night long, even if it wakes up the upstairs, downstairs and next door neighbours? Soundproofing in new HDB flats are almost non-existent and its got me all wound up like a big fat furball.... erk....
Anyhow, after many many night of multiple crying episodes which, frankly, my husband was handling, cos I had lost it...gone off the rail... I mean I'd just sit and stare at either twin who was screaming at the time, using all my energy not to do something I'd really regret, and then feeling guilty that I had such terrible thoughts running through my mind...I was feeling totally useless AND exhausted.
The cumulative lack of sleep resulted in a terrible migraine on Monday morning. Not quite able to face the world, or myself for that matter, I called in sick. Phone in hand, I just couldn't help but check facebook (I am sooo addicted) and then stupidly clicked on the video which some friend shared below.
Guess what happened? I started bawling my head off...and didn't stop crying for most of the day. Mixture of guilt about not being able to cope, feeling relieved that I wasn't the only one who thought this was the hardest job in the world and fear that my child won't be successful and in the olympics like these moms...but instead in therapy blaming their life problems on their mum ...ME! (yar, i know that it's so 'divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood)
Major mommy meltdown moment!!
Thank god for Son who spent an hour on the phone, all the way from Sydney, telling me that all was going to be ok.
And thank heavens for the girlfriend who happily met me for coffee, at Food for Thought at Singapore Botanic Garden, later that afternoon. The chat helped me feel more centred and more confident that I wasn't going to necessarily ruin my children's lives.
Of course the slice of red-velvet cake didn't hurt either. The sugar rush, was perhaps, the very thing I needed.
Mr Eveel was also so supportive, let me head out to spend the evening at a colleagues farewell, assuring me he'd have everything under control, and that I should just hang loose for the evening. And i sure did.
I'm feeling better. Still tired, not quite wonderful and perfect yet, but better....
One step at a time I guess...